I was driving around the lake this morning when I heard the song “TODAY” on Coffee House Radio. I knew every word but have never really listened to the words. Crazy huh??? Because you of all people know me and that is one of the biggest things WE have in common. How much the things that we read and hear affect us, move us, and hopefully change us for the better. I highly recommend you listen to the words.
New York was amazing and painful in so many ways but my favorite part of the entire trip besides seeing one of our best friends on the planet tie the knot with a great guy was getting so much one on one time with you the last two days. Painful because although I cherished every second of time with you, I also knew that it might be one of the last times we got to spend where you were not really sick. You had your cute pixie hair, you were glowing, your eyes had a twinkle in them and it wasn’t because of a tear it was a healthy glow that clearly hid what is going on inside your body. I know that your insides and cancer are waging a war against you. I know that you might not win that battle, but the person I saw and spent time with in New York is a changed human being because of it and I believe for the better.
I enjoyed our late night snuggles in our haunted vacant mansion. I enjoyed the tears that were shed over mimosas at the castle and the bench we sat at saying nothing but feeling everything while over looking the water. I enjoyed how we could just sit and listen to Ben Howard and write our thoughts down on our Mac’s with the Twelve South Covers that are the closest thing to the look of a real journal except they have keys inside. I enjoyed driving in that crappy little Toyota where we both looked like giants in a ladybug shell. I enjoyed it all and soaked it all up.
I want you to know that YOU are Amazing. I have seen you endure, get so sick you couldn’t even get up, be judged, be second-guessed even by me at times, be challenged, shut down, retreat, inspire, be inspired, suffer, lose your hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, lose things and people you love, lose independence, and your privacy. I’ve seen you lose your girl parts and along with it hopes and dreams of more babies. I’ve seen you learn, grow, get closer to God and become an even more beautiful person because of it. I know that the coming days are going to be super hard for you. I know that you have big decisions to make as you sit in that hospital bed trying to free your lungs from filling up with fluid and trying to keep your kidneys from shutting down.
It drives me a bit crazy knowing I am so far away unable to do more tangible physical things to help you out. I wish I could change that. Just please know you are never far from my thoughts especially after our heart to heart of sorts in New York. I understand YOU so much more now. I love YOU so much more and I look up to YOU so much more. Please try to keep fighting even though the end result may not end up being what we all hope for. Don’t do it for me, your other friends, the rest of your family, or the other people trying to survive the shitty odds of ovarian cancer who look up to you, but instead do it for the work that God is doing on your heart and in the hearts of so many others. Don’t do it for clinical trials or Chemo. Do it because…
“Maybe there are times when we think a door has been closed and, instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to KICK IT DOWN. Or perhaps just sit outside of it long enough until somebody tells us we can come in. “ Bob Goff (Love Does).
I love you! I bless you! I will continue to Pray for you and lift you up from afar! I am helpless beyond those things. The rest is out of my hands but just know that it is my hope that you USE this pain for fuel as a reminder of your STRENGTH.