My Mamma’s Buttons

I’m not really sure what prompted me to pick up the book, “One More Day” by Mitch Album today as I went to Starbucks to get a little work done.   I have already read it before.  There were several other books to be looked at on that rack as I awaited my Venti Cafe’ Americano with three pumps of caramel and a touch of Half & Half (sorry for the run on sentence but just wanted you to know my favorite coffee).

Nonetheless, felt the need to grab it so I gave in and “IT” messed me up.  Some of the things I read in there stuck with me on my drive to the airport this evening.  As I settled into my bed a little bit ago to work some more,  I look over at my book shelf and see it staring at me yet again.  I must have over  50 books sitting on that shelf  but that was the one to jump out once again.  Being super cozy I did not want to get up, but  decided to suck it up and take a third look at it.  Someone or something was sending me a message.

Up comes this quote almost immediately.  It’s pretty self-explainatory as I am sure you will agree.  I am trying to chew on it a bit and decipher why the Universe threw that one at me on a day like today.  It has been a week of  some pretty crazy energy all around.  I am trying to take it all in and continue to breathe.  Here it is…

“I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart. ”
— Mitch Albom (For One More Day)

WOW… so you can see why I got slightly “Messed UP.”  Can’t you???  I have been trying for four years to put into words exactly how it felt the night my little boy found my mom.  I could not get to him fast enough.  This quote pretty much sums UP my feelings in a nut shell with regard to our loss and what was left behind to deal with.

As I have said before Mom always wanted her own LETTER.  So funny as I still have not been able to “go there”  I guess this is a start.  I miss her more than ever.  I miss her advice.  I miss her sense of humor and her endless creativity.  I miss her smile…  I was blessed with that smile.  I know she is one of my spiritual guides/guardian angels (however you choose to look at it) that watches over me, plants seeds of wisdom, signs, intuition, truth, strength, and protection in my life.  I know she is with me at certain times and taps on my shoulder telling me to hang in there, to keep working hard, to stay vibrant and to live my life to the fullest.

Perhaps SHE is the reason that book and that quote landed upon my lap today, or maybe I was just avoiding my ridiculous list of  TO DO’s and photo editing.  Perhaps it WILL be a source of healing.  I will get back to you on that.  But WOW… I was definitely amazed by how profoundly true those words were.

My brother Shane and I only wanted a few simple things when she passed.  But the main thing we wanted terribly was a jar of her buttons.  There were three. I recently photographed them in a way that I remembered playing with them as a child.  I thought back in my head of how many times he and I dumped them out to analyze each individual one.  I remember placing them in different rows and piles.  I would put the most sparkly ones first.  I remember picking my favorites, and separating them by color, shape or size.  It was a pretty special moment to dump them all out again at 36 in front of my own children all the while telling them about the simple-minded happiness they brought us. Thought I would  share a few with you…

Maybe photographing them coupled with the book, the quote, and  other events this week will bring about some peace.  Cherish your mom.  Re-read that quote again before you close out of this blog. Not because of it’s sadness but because it is REAL, RAW and TRUTHFUL.  Don’t take them for granted.  You are blessed to still have them.  For those of you who no longer have your moms….well you already get where I am coming from.  I am SO HAPPY to have gotten two jars of my Mamma’s buttons.

Peace,

~NIKI

P.S.  These were always my FAVORITE ONES as a little girl… The sparkly ones.