After a few requests for more quotes/words of wisdom…I feel the need to share a little bit here. I do not consider myself wise at a mere 34 yrs. old, but I do love to write and share with you all. Again, this blog has ended up being somewhat of a journal for me. A place where I have opened up my thoughts to you and in return, many of you have emailed me privately with your feedback and personal thoughts of how it has either helped you, made you laugh, inspired and encouraged you. That is the best gift I could ask for. It was not my original intention but I love it and I thank you!
I have been off of work for the better part of two weeks, however, as you know the craziness that ensues during the holidays can certainly stump one’s creativity. OR…..if you are like me, you will be inspired all of the time but by the time you get to your journal or computer to put it into words, you have dinner to cook, kids to pick up or kids to put to sleep. Therefore, I have pretty much held off lately, played with my kids, enjoyed my husband and really just tried to enjoy my time off with family.
NOW, it is January the 2nd, 2008. Time for cleansing, planning, goal setting, more dreaming, creating and inspiring or being inspired. WOO HOO! I cannot wait. Let it flow!!!
I have several clients who have become great friends throughout the past 7 years of Nichol Krupp Photography. I have learned a ton from many of you and gained inspiration and support from many of you through times of need and loss. I thank each and every one of you for that. Now, the roles have reversed for many of you. I know that several of you are facing health challenges and losses of your own now. I have many of you telling me, “WOW….NIKI…..I am so sorry I never knew what you were going through. I couldn’t even imagine that it could be this difficult to lose a parent. I never knew how RAW and FINAL that would be. I never knew how devastating it is. I never knew….I never knew!”
For that I just say, how can you possibly imagine that unless you have lived it? It seems that just a few years ago we were all standing up in each other’s weddings or delivering our first child. Now we are moving into some uncomfortable territory here. Many of my close friends and family have already lost a parent. I was recently at one of my best friends house who had just lost her father the day before. We were all gathered in the kitchen together. There were 5 of us. Each of us had recently(within the past two years) lost a parent. Not particularly a club you want to join. It is RAW and it is FINAL.
My view has changed a bit though on how I perceive this loss. I TRULY know now that my mom is in a better place. She is FREE. She is HAPPY. She is not worrying about how she is going to pay that next bill. She is no longer in any pain from her Rheaumatoid or her slew or heart troubles. She is FINALLY traveling and I do believe that she is with the LORD. In the 7 short months that she lived here in Bay City with us she had changed into a person that I loved even more. She became more REAL, more truthful and more AUTHENTIC. I am big on being authentic. That was something I wanted to see more of in my mom and I did. She started going to church with us. She started smiling more and crying more(whew…not common in my youth). She started being more honest with herself and those around her. She was also more dedicated as a grandmother than I had ever seen and for that, I was truly truly blessed as were my children. The gifts she blessed them with during that 7 months were amazing. She taught my son to crochet and sew. She taught them how to paint and create art. She got on the floor with them and played. She was a totally different person than I had seen before. It was like this concentrated little lifetime all crammed into 7 months that we got with her. My pastor feels she was already being prepared to pass on. That the Lord had softened her heart and that she moved to Michigan to spend some time with us because this was going to happen. I didn’t belive it then but I do believe it now.
When she died so suddenly, it was such a SHOCK that I could not get past the actual devastation of how she died to actaully realize how her troubles were suddenly wiped away and gone. She was exhausted, absolutely exhausted! She had pain but rarely ever complained. She was suffering in many ways. Now she isn’t. I wish that my faith were stronger when she passed away because it would have been so much easier to deal with everything and accept the finality of it. It is still horrible and painful and there is a loss there that unless you have actually experienced the loss of your mother or father, you cannot even begin to imagine. But this much I know is true, she is just fine now.
Many of my clients this year have lost their parents due to cancer. Some of my clients are actually fighting for their lives right now because of cancer. Some of you are in remission. Some of you have other health challenges. Some of you feel hopeless. Some of you are weary of the constant challenges you are facing day to day. All I can say is that you can do it and you can survive. You have to go on. Life WILL NOT stop for you. It is a bummer but is OH SO TRUE. It is even tougher when you have little ones to tend to and you cannot make the earth stop going around if at least for a little while. Sometimes I wished it would just stop for just two weeks so that I could catch my breath and come back up for air. But it won’t.
You are faced with a few options though. You are faced with handling it on your own or giving it up to GOD. Letting him take on your pain and struggles. Learning to have greater faith than you have ever known and giving up that control to him. Let him carry your burden. I wish I had the faith to do that when my mom died so suddenly. It would have been so much easier. I know you cannot see him. That is where FAITH comes in (”Faith is the evidence of things we cannot yet see,” Hebrews 11:1). I am telling you…I am not some religious GURU. I have soooooo much to learn about my faith that it is unbelievable. I still question it at times. I am a self- proclaimed CONTROL FREAK. I admit it. Trust me on this though, it is SO MUCH EASIER IF YOU JUST HAVE FAITH.
Here is my favorite bible quote to date. That may change but for now…this one says it all for me…
“TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART; DO NOT DEPEND ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. SEEK HIS WILL IN ALL YOU DO, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.” proverbs 3:5
BE GREATFUL… BE GIVING…BE AUTHENTIC… PRAY… BELIEVE… TRUST… SURVIVE…HAVE FAITH!
Take care,
Niki
P.S. The above picture was taken back home in IOWA where we went and buried my mother’s ashes with her brother and father at the cemetary there. My daughter was taking a moment by herself and I snapped this image of her.
by Nichol Krupp
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